Saying Goodbye

I've never known a kid who's good at saying goodbye when it's for more than a few days. Spending an evening with some cousins and their kids last April I said goodbye to my little first cousin once removed and explained that it would be a long while, a year and a half, before we would see each other again. After just one evening of playing together she chased the cab to the end of the block waving goodbye. She wanted to see me tomorrow.

But maybe that's just practice for us as adults, learning to say goodbye on a regular basis to the people we love, without tears or overwhelming sadness.

I left the boys today. In all likelihood, after a few postcards from travel and an email or two clearing up logistics, I will not ever communicate with them again. Of all the things that suck about this situation: I didn't complete my obligation which drives me crazy, Tina is telling people who were my friends that I left because I didn't like the kids, I was happy and comfortable for two days, I was never given the chance to settle in--the worst thing of all is that I grew to love two boys who are not two kids I'm immediately attracted to, but I worked hard on our relationship and now I will probably never see them again.

I will not be sharing this blog with Tina and Mike or the boys, not directly. But one can always google, so maybe one day they'll find it. If they do, I hope they understand that I didn't walk out that door easily or painlessly. I hope that they understand I made the decision for them as much as for myself. And I hope they see that the reasons they give to everyone else, and likely to themselves, for my leaving are false. I hope. But I don't believe.

Belgium tomorrow.

Ellbow

Why Gossip With Your Neighbors Is A Good Thing

I've been in Germany all of 2.5 months, and I just now had my first, non-awkward, open conversation with the neighbors. Until today I tried not to intrude on any of them. But sometimes a nice lady comes to your door because the kids just got picked up (#notagain), and offers you a coffee. A much better prospect than packing my "not going to Belgium" suitcase.

And so we coffeed and chatted. Within 3 minutes the conversation began to center around why I'm leaving. As I feared, my host mother is going around spreading the world that I had issues with the kids, didn't like them because they were so young, and have decided to leave in order to work with a family with older children. Let me state now for the record that that is in my opinion a total and complete falsehood. Though in giving her the benefit of the doubt I'm hoping this is Tina's version of positive spin for her.

For me it's hurtful and degrading. It makes it sound like this was my idea, that I initiated it, and like I've been miserable for the last 2.5 months. My truth: Tina came to me, she initiated it. I decided to leave because I felt (FEEL) misunderstood and even more than that, I feel that they don't WANT to understand me. And I didn't have a clue what I would be doing at the time I decided to quit. I thought I might go work with horses. That I will be with another family is a result of independent thought, not a reflection of my current situation.

On the bright side I was repeatedly backed up by both neighbors about everything: the parents personality, the kids behavior problems, that they don't need an Au Pair, that they haven't given me a proper chance, that this is both strange and unjust in terms of employer-employee decorum, and that I am not the problem. There's a part of me that feels bad, listening to others talk about my family and adding to that conversation. But there's a part of me that also feels relief. For the third time I have been fully supported by people who are objective partakers in my leaving. I am starting to know more than just believe, that I am not the problem here.

Now gossiping with neighbors is dangerous and can lead to bad blood, so I'm thinking I won't be sharing this blog with Tina and Mike. Ever. But if you're having an issue or feeling admonished or defeated or disrespected, speaking with the neighbors can give you an objective opinion that is not based around social decorum and subjective support, but honest feelings from people who see you live your life every day. Especially when these people are Germans. Germans don't give a damn about hurting your feelings with brutal honesty. Who'd waste their time with that?

The Costs and Bennefits of Giving Notice

For me, deciding to leave was the end to a week of stress, self-doubt and tea. Having gone over and over what Tina had said to me about her doubts in my relationship with the family I was left feeling like the family didn't understand me as an individual and wasn't going to try to. Quitting gave me relief from all of this. 13 more days of being so entirely incomprehensible to the people I live with? Fine, I can handle that.

However I think my decision threw them for a loop. We decided on an end date nearly 4 weeks out. The first few days everything was the same. The boys didn't know yet so we definitely played it cool all day. And at night we all had things to do which kept us preoccupied. Then they left for a week of vacation. On coming back all of their behaviors changed, and not all for the better.

The boys know I'm leaving now (they were told without me and without warning me), and it hasn't changed them so much other than they're sad about it. Two weeks is an eternity when you're 3, but we'll see what it's like when it's 2 days, or a couple of hours.

Tina is really excited for this new opportunity, and seems more comfortable having me here when my length of stay is more akin to a guest than a family member. But she's also become much less obliging and eager to participate in my current life, and more willing to make requests of me (FINALLY). She no longer wants to go with me to the visa office. I'm taking the bus there today, by myself without warning her, though she had previously insisted she would drive me (also they were going to pay the 100 Euros for the visa and now I am. It's fine, but another behavior change). With regards to the cell phone and health insurance she's also standoffish even when I ask explicitly for her help.

Mike, in contrast to all, has become rather distant and terse. It's a professional relationship with him now, not friendly at all, but it makes the breakfast table a little awkward.

For my part I'm doing my best to be consistent with everyone. From the beginning I avoided having a "honeymoon phase" but tried to be honest about what my behavior would be like, who I am, and how my personality works in this family. I'm glad for that now, though at the beginning I could feel Tina waiting for the other shoe to drop, like if I would stop making my bed, or keeping stuff clean, or picking up after the boys, or reading bed time stories. I haven't stopped yet and I'm not planning to in the next few days. To the befuddling of Tina and Mike.

What I'm left wondering is a) what they expected me to do? (I certainly felt like they had pressured me into quitting and just refused to fire me, forcing me to make the call); b) if the behavior changes are a result of me quitting or me leaving?; and c) if they still would have acted this way if it was 7 months from now and I was getting ready to leave as we had planned?

13 days to go. Then travel, a visit from my dad, and a new family.