Why Gossip With Your Neighbors Is A Good Thing

I've been in Germany all of 2.5 months, and I just now had my first, non-awkward, open conversation with the neighbors. Until today I tried not to intrude on any of them. But sometimes a nice lady comes to your door because the kids just got picked up (#notagain), and offers you a coffee. A much better prospect than packing my "not going to Belgium" suitcase.

And so we coffeed and chatted. Within 3 minutes the conversation began to center around why I'm leaving. As I feared, my host mother is going around spreading the world that I had issues with the kids, didn't like them because they were so young, and have decided to leave in order to work with a family with older children. Let me state now for the record that that is in my opinion a total and complete falsehood. Though in giving her the benefit of the doubt I'm hoping this is Tina's version of positive spin for her.

For me it's hurtful and degrading. It makes it sound like this was my idea, that I initiated it, and like I've been miserable for the last 2.5 months. My truth: Tina came to me, she initiated it. I decided to leave because I felt (FEEL) misunderstood and even more than that, I feel that they don't WANT to understand me. And I didn't have a clue what I would be doing at the time I decided to quit. I thought I might go work with horses. That I will be with another family is a result of independent thought, not a reflection of my current situation.

On the bright side I was repeatedly backed up by both neighbors about everything: the parents personality, the kids behavior problems, that they don't need an Au Pair, that they haven't given me a proper chance, that this is both strange and unjust in terms of employer-employee decorum, and that I am not the problem. There's a part of me that feels bad, listening to others talk about my family and adding to that conversation. But there's a part of me that also feels relief. For the third time I have been fully supported by people who are objective partakers in my leaving. I am starting to know more than just believe, that I am not the problem here.

Now gossiping with neighbors is dangerous and can lead to bad blood, so I'm thinking I won't be sharing this blog with Tina and Mike. Ever. But if you're having an issue or feeling admonished or defeated or disrespected, speaking with the neighbors can give you an objective opinion that is not based around social decorum and subjective support, but honest feelings from people who see you live your life every day. Especially when these people are Germans. Germans don't give a damn about hurting your feelings with brutal honesty. Who'd waste their time with that?

2 months in and calling it quits

I'm not a quiter. I hate the feeling and it usually leads to a healthy bout of self loathing. So I'm the person who doesn't even consider leaving a position. Until now. My host mom came to me last Tuesday, two days after finishing my thesis, and said she just wasn't happy and she didn't know what to do. After an hour and a half of crying, serious conversation I was left confused, newly stressed and a little disappointed. For me I was just starting to relax into being with this family full time, keeping them in mind all of the time, and really starting to live a German life style. For them it had been two months of me spending evenings and days off in my room working on something to do with America, and they don't know what to do with that. There were a lot of emotions expressed by Tina that night, emotions I wasn't registering, and it made me consider whether I wanted to be there or not. And so ultimately I decided, I don't want to. And so I'm leaving.

It's a scary thing, jumping off a cliff, having no safety net. Making decisions that take away all plans you had, including things like where you're going to live. And I'm doing this by choice. This is the closest I've ever been to homeless, and even then I can always fly home or hop on a train.

Now for any family or friends out there, I'm not coming home. Not right away at least. My beautiful Oregon will have to wait, at least until Oktoberfest is over. And then, it's nearly anyone's guess. What's magical is that every avenue is open to me, but then again, what's terrifying is that every avenue is open to me.

But we've got a few weeks of security left. One week when the family is on vacation (I'm no longer going with them clearly) and I'll get to spend days being a tourist around Munich. So let me show you where I've been, and when I know, let me tell you where I'm going.

Good night, and good luck. (literally said this on accident to Mike while he was trying to fix the cable box last night)

Ellbow

A Start At Au Pairing

My life has quickly become hectic, very strange, and all in German. It's a miraculous thing, how stepping off a plane in a country where you have some basic grasp of the local language means that you converse in that language all of the time. But that's not the point of this post.

I've worked at day camps, school/over-night camps, baby sitting, and have you heard about my clan of 78 family members? But nothing so far in my life has quite been like this. As the youngest child I never had any full time "younger siblings" (with one exception). But in the last 10 days I have had to adjust quite suddenly to living with a 3.5 and a 6 year old. Not to mention living in a new city, country, house, room, culture and language. I thought I had prepared for this with my previous experience with kids. I was kidding myself.

Being an Au Pair is like being some strange combination baby sitter, big sister, parent. So far I've done everything from cause trouble at the dinner table to put a kid in a very harsh time out for repeatedly saying Scheisse. From the moment I stepped off of that plane the expectations were entirely different from any job I've had before. These people feed me, talk to me about their days, watch the evening news and crappy movies with me. But I'm also "on duty" 30 hours a week, alternating between discipline and entertainment with their kids, calling their kids Schatzy. It's all been very crazy.

And for a moment there (daily) I got really really homesick, and was on the verge of tears walking home from the morning Kindergarten drop. And then one week in, Sunday barbeque happened. And the crazy family, the grandma and grandpa who never sit down to eat just keep pushing food on you, the sarcastic exchanges that I was able to understand, and the table of people all trying to get someone's attention, it all made me feel so at home. I think they thought I had cracked when I started laughing. But I was just happy. It all felt... right.

Kidos picking berries and playing in the backyard

Music:
Legally Blonde the musical, the entire soundtrack. Just, omigod you guys.

One Week Baby!

I skyped with my family this morning. The whole family. Mom, dad, 5 year old, 3.5 year old. And let me tell you, there is nothing like a 5 year old doing a happy dance at the mere idea that you will arrive in 15 days (Canada comes first) to get you excited about a trip. I feel like part of this family already and I've never met them in person or hugged them or shared a story with them. But they are my new family!

I'm still stressed, and busy (anyone want to take care of my cat for a year?), and terrified of leaving. But the prospect of arriving now is so much sweeter. I'm going to live in Germany. With my family. For a year.

Boom-pow-surprise.

Breaking An Agreement

I've had a contract with a family to be their Au Pair over this next summer, fall and winter, and we've reached a point where it's time to break it. I'm a very planful person, I feel uncomfortable not knowing that I have a plan for the next three years, let alone this next summer, but I've reached a critical mass of conflicting expectations with this family of mine. I've found many other families which I am better suited to and I'm happy to be exploring the opportunity of joining a new family again but this time I'm coming in with a list of expectations.

1. Be located in or around Munich (so that I can fall back on close family friends when needed)
2. Have easy access to a large city/a place with books written in English
3. Don't need to share a bathroom with the family
4. The family doesn't smoke
5. No more than 2 children
6. No children younger than 4 (or 3 currently)

A lot of this list has to do with knowing what I'll be happiest living in and what my skill sets are. But it's also about recognizing when you really aren't a good fit with someone and stop forcing it to work. I've lived with people who I love but just am not compatible with. I've tried a couple of relationships with people I like but just don't value, or love but just can't be happy with. It's really difficult to recognize the basic things you need from any relationship. And when you're talking about opportunities and the things you are really excited for it's easy to jump into a contract, or a title, or bed a little too quickly. I was surprised to find how much more I needed from the family I will end up with, but it's made me realize how much I short change myself on a regular basis because I'm just too excited to stop and think.

And to my good friend out there, who I love, and who's pretty heart broken right now: we like what we know and what's comfortable. We love without reason or caring. And while the song was right, and breaking up is hard to do, staying in a relationship when you can't make the other person happy is the third worst kind of relationship to be in. I'm not going to push you in any way, to make any kind of decision or take any kind of action. You need to get over this in the way you choose, but as soon as you know what you need, just ask and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure you don't even know about this but I needed to put it out there someway.