It's been six months since I left Germany, and it's crazy to realize that I still think about my family and my life there on a daily basis. Sometimes it's just remembering evenings watching The Voice of Germany, or long walks with the dogs, or a conversation over dinner. And sometimes it's a wave of regrets for things said and done and not. Living in Germany for a year, walking in Ireland, these were just one small part of what my life will be, but their impact is ongoing. I changed in that year so much. And there wasn't anything bad enough, not even how I've left things with my first family, to make me regret the experience.
So thank you.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Wrapping Up
So I went home, for a few weeks, got back to Germany and got really sick, the family went on vacation, I got a few good days with the kids, and all of the sudden I was packing again. My Au Pair experience is over.
There are so many things I'm still holding on to. So many good memories and so many mixed emotions. I don't really want to dwell on it anymore, so I think I'll just say this:
I loved being with my families. Both of them. My second family was completely wonderful. I don't think I can express to them how much I respect them individually and as a collective. I left in what felt like such a rush, personally racing towards something new, that I never did say it. I hope that some part of my appreciation for them existing translated through other actions and words. I always regret not saying a proper goodbye to someone you care for, and then realizing you might never see them again.
I've had a few weeks to really digest it all. And what keeps coming back to me is a funny comment or a great moment of inclusion or a night with the kids I'll treasure for always. I got a lot of those. More than I realized when I was trying to pack and train and re-plan Ireland.
Now I have my photos and journals, and in 10 years I can really look back and evaluate the process, but for now... I don't think I will. It's all still too fresh for me to be objective.
And that's it really.
Even thought this blog is called "The Rocky Road to Dublin" I think I'm done. If you want to hear about Ireland you can call me or write me or send a telegram (I've always wanted to receive a telegram). But for the general purpose of adding something to the Interwebs... that's really all you need to know.
Signing off,
Ellbow
There are so many things I'm still holding on to. So many good memories and so many mixed emotions. I don't really want to dwell on it anymore, so I think I'll just say this:
I loved being with my families. Both of them. My second family was completely wonderful. I don't think I can express to them how much I respect them individually and as a collective. I left in what felt like such a rush, personally racing towards something new, that I never did say it. I hope that some part of my appreciation for them existing translated through other actions and words. I always regret not saying a proper goodbye to someone you care for, and then realizing you might never see them again.
I've had a few weeks to really digest it all. And what keeps coming back to me is a funny comment or a great moment of inclusion or a night with the kids I'll treasure for always. I got a lot of those. More than I realized when I was trying to pack and train and re-plan Ireland.
Now I have my photos and journals, and in 10 years I can really look back and evaluate the process, but for now... I don't think I will. It's all still too fresh for me to be objective.
And that's it really.
Even thought this blog is called "The Rocky Road to Dublin" I think I'm done. If you want to hear about Ireland you can call me or write me or send a telegram (I've always wanted to receive a telegram). But for the general purpose of adding something to the Interwebs... that's really all you need to know.
Signing off,
Ellbow
Sunday, April 6, 2014
The Days I Really Love
The best days are the ones that end with me and the kids at home alone. We lounge around the living room, talking over a program none of us is watching, eating food that we like and is generally healthy but will never be Instagram worthy. We are relaxed and unstressed and not worried about phones or emails, just sharing space and enjoying living together.
I don't get a lot of these nights, but the dozen or so I have all rank as highlights of the Au Pair experience.
So tonight, putting Luke to bed in our first actual tucking in experience, I was happy enough with this job to forget to remember that I leave in four weeks (for almost 34 minutes). Dublin is coming. And if every night had been like this, the best part of being a substitute parent, being needed, I don't think I would want to get on that plane.
No matter the mixed bag this year has been, I'm genuinely going to miss these kids and the quiet, normal times they let me spend with them.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Fasching
So there's a festival in SE Germany in the late winter (it started today) called Fasching. School is out, everyone is dressed in over the top costumes (very few of which are traditional), and there's a marching band that's been playing up and down the streets of my small little suburb since 5 am.
I'm still very unclear what it is they are actually celebrating, but any party that starts at 5 am one Thursday, lasts for an entire week, involves me eventually dressing up as Princess Leia and includes copious drinking for days on end can't be all that bad. Right?
I'm still very unclear what it is they are actually celebrating, but any party that starts at 5 am one Thursday, lasts for an entire week, involves me eventually dressing up as Princess Leia and includes copious drinking for days on end can't be all that bad. Right?
Friday, January 24, 2014
Don't Say Anything
I've been learning over the last few weeks that one of the hardest things to do in life is to walk away from a situation without saying another word. It feels like an admittance of guilt or defeat. It feels wrong. And I'm still trying to remind myself daily that walking away is respectful, level headed and the right thing to do. Even when it doesn't feel that way after three weeks.
On New Years day I ventured over to Munich again and I contacted my first family to see if I could bring by or drop off some presents for the boys. I've never felt good about how I left it with the family, but leaving Jay and Lee when they had no experience with Au Pair's and my leaving was rather unplanned really raked me. I felt and feel it's important that those boys know I was there for them, I genuinely cared.
What I got in response was a message saying they were "surprised" to hear from me, a friend had forwarded "disappointing comments" and they didn't feel the need to continue the "contact". (Forgive the weird one word quotes, but those were key words that stood out to me).
I grappled with this for about a day, talked to both my parents and some friends, and heard from everyone that the best thing to do is just to let that bridge burn and make no response. But even now, three weeks later, I still think about it at least once a day.
Not saying anything--not even an "Ok" or "I can respect that" or "I hope you'll read the whole blog one day and not just comments"--it feels wrong. I want to argue my point and have an outlet to a) apologize as they clearly feel that comments made in this blog are bad enough to warrant never wanting any form of contact with someone who lived in their house for three months and b) ask them to take some time to see the whole picture one day.
I re-read and copy edited the whole blog in the days following that message. What I read over and over were posts where I had been really hopeful that a not-as-great-as-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be situation would be amicably resolved. That I would find a way to be really happy with adults and kids who are so different from myself. I was really trying in those first two months to balance my responsibilities to school, myself and the family, and I felt personally responsible that things weren't working out.
The second thing that struck me was how happy I am here. I feel really lucky to be with a family now who gets me and puts effort into a two-way relationship. Just today there were conversations about career path and education and thesising, and watching Star Wars with my 10 year old and totally nerding out over it together, and my 15 year old baked great bread for tomorrow, and I cuddled on the couch with a dog, and I was given the time and space to take a 4 hour nap because I needed some sleep after horse back riding, and oh yeah, I went horse back riding, and I've read around 200 pages from three different books today. And it's all okay. No one's upset that I'm doing things I enjoy. I'm appreciated for the individual I am. And I appreciate my family for being the amazing people they are.
I think there's an argument to be made that I'm just a better fit with this family. But I think the argument that also gets left out of the picture on all of the Au Pair and Au Pair Mom websites that I've seen is that this family is a better fit with me.
I just wish there were a way of expressing that not-upset, not-angry, I hope your life goes well attitude to the first family without being disrespectful in contacting them again.
On New Years day I ventured over to Munich again and I contacted my first family to see if I could bring by or drop off some presents for the boys. I've never felt good about how I left it with the family, but leaving Jay and Lee when they had no experience with Au Pair's and my leaving was rather unplanned really raked me. I felt and feel it's important that those boys know I was there for them, I genuinely cared.
What I got in response was a message saying they were "surprised" to hear from me, a friend had forwarded "disappointing comments" and they didn't feel the need to continue the "contact". (Forgive the weird one word quotes, but those were key words that stood out to me).
I grappled with this for about a day, talked to both my parents and some friends, and heard from everyone that the best thing to do is just to let that bridge burn and make no response. But even now, three weeks later, I still think about it at least once a day.
Not saying anything--not even an "Ok" or "I can respect that" or "I hope you'll read the whole blog one day and not just comments"--it feels wrong. I want to argue my point and have an outlet to a) apologize as they clearly feel that comments made in this blog are bad enough to warrant never wanting any form of contact with someone who lived in their house for three months and b) ask them to take some time to see the whole picture one day.
I re-read and copy edited the whole blog in the days following that message. What I read over and over were posts where I had been really hopeful that a not-as-great-as-I-thought-it-was-going-to-be situation would be amicably resolved. That I would find a way to be really happy with adults and kids who are so different from myself. I was really trying in those first two months to balance my responsibilities to school, myself and the family, and I felt personally responsible that things weren't working out.
The second thing that struck me was how happy I am here. I feel really lucky to be with a family now who gets me and puts effort into a two-way relationship. Just today there were conversations about career path and education and thesising, and watching Star Wars with my 10 year old and totally nerding out over it together, and my 15 year old baked great bread for tomorrow, and I cuddled on the couch with a dog, and I was given the time and space to take a 4 hour nap because I needed some sleep after horse back riding, and oh yeah, I went horse back riding, and I've read around 200 pages from three different books today. And it's all okay. No one's upset that I'm doing things I enjoy. I'm appreciated for the individual I am. And I appreciate my family for being the amazing people they are.
I think there's an argument to be made that I'm just a better fit with this family. But I think the argument that also gets left out of the picture on all of the Au Pair and Au Pair Mom websites that I've seen is that this family is a better fit with me.
I just wish there were a way of expressing that not-upset, not-angry, I hope your life goes well attitude to the first family without being disrespectful in contacting them again.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Riding
I started riding again this week. Horses that is. A neighbor has a gelding and a back problem so she's letting me take him out for some exercise in exchange for some light maintenance (tack, mucking, grooming, etc.).
The boy's a doll, grumpy, opinionated and high energy. It was love at first he-really-doesn't-like-approaching-humans meeting. Grumpy old men are just my type (of horse).
I'm quickly learning that this is the most difficult challenge in learning German yet: adopting a hobby that is totally colloquial. I know none of the words. How to you get the horse to step forward? What's a hoof? A pick? A bridal? What is the German equivalent of "whoa"? There are so many different words that picking them up is slower than usual since I don't get to devote 20 minutes to practicing with one new piece of vocabulary, but hear 40 new words and phrases in a matter of minutes.
Adding to this is the fact that a) I haven't ridden in two years and b) I never had any dressage or English training, it was all for Western and trail riding. Add that to a horse who isn't supposed to be head reined, has lots of energy and I keep forgetting how to tell to stop... well I haven't fallen off yet.
I'm going back on Sunday for what should be a 4-5 hour ordeal. I'm thinking the big blank wall in front of me is going to need some diagrams and word lists so I can bulk up on the basics before then.
I really hope this is as good of an idea as I thought it was.
The boy's a doll, grumpy, opinionated and high energy. It was love at first he-really-doesn't-like-approaching-humans meeting. Grumpy old men are just my type (of horse).
I'm quickly learning that this is the most difficult challenge in learning German yet: adopting a hobby that is totally colloquial. I know none of the words. How to you get the horse to step forward? What's a hoof? A pick? A bridal? What is the German equivalent of "whoa"? There are so many different words that picking them up is slower than usual since I don't get to devote 20 minutes to practicing with one new piece of vocabulary, but hear 40 new words and phrases in a matter of minutes.
Adding to this is the fact that a) I haven't ridden in two years and b) I never had any dressage or English training, it was all for Western and trail riding. Add that to a horse who isn't supposed to be head reined, has lots of energy and I keep forgetting how to tell to stop... well I haven't fallen off yet.
I'm going back on Sunday for what should be a 4-5 hour ordeal. I'm thinking the big blank wall in front of me is going to need some diagrams and word lists so I can bulk up on the basics before then.
I really hope this is as good of an idea as I thought it was.
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