I'm not a quiter. I hate the feeling and it usually leads to a healthy bout of self loathing. So I'm the person who doesn't even consider leaving a position. Until now. My host mom came to me last Tuesday, two days after finishing my thesis, and said she just wasn't happy and she didn't know what to do. After an hour and a half of crying, serious conversation I was left confused, newly stressed and a little disappointed. For me I was just starting to relax into being with this family full time, keeping them in mind all of the time, and really starting to live a German life style. For them it had been two months of me spending evenings and days off in my room working on something to do with America, and they don't know what to do with that. There were a lot of emotions expressed by Tina that night, emotions I wasn't registering, and it made me consider whether I wanted to be there or not. And so ultimately I decided, I don't want to. And so I'm leaving.
It's a scary thing, jumping off a cliff, having no safety net. Making decisions that take away all plans you had, including things like where you're going to live. And I'm doing this by choice. This is the closest I've ever been to homeless, and even then I can always fly home or hop on a train.
Now for any family or friends out there, I'm not coming home. Not right away at least. My beautiful Oregon will have to wait, at least until Oktoberfest is over. And then, it's nearly anyone's guess. What's magical is that every avenue is open to me, but then again, what's terrifying is that every avenue is open to me.
But we've got a few weeks of security left. One week when the family is on vacation (I'm no longer going with them clearly) and I'll get to spend days being a tourist around Munich. So let me show you where I've been, and when I know, let me tell you where I'm going.
Good night, and good luck. (literally said this on accident to Mike while he was trying to fix the cable box last night)
Ellbow
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
I'm not the only one dealing with a kid
I was pleased and cracking up to see this clip from Tina Fey on David Letterman talking about how her two year old is trying to kill her and is possibly disturbed. The clip reminded me so much of dealing with violence in my own 3 year old and how funny and a little off-putting that can be.
P.S. Julia Stafford, saw this on the internet before Joanna Goddard wrote about it. Not stealing blog material I swear!
P.S. Julia Stafford, saw this on the internet before Joanna Goddard wrote about it. Not stealing blog material I swear!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Well.. I missed a week
But I had my reasons. Namely: thesising. And to be more precise: penultimate thesising. That's right as of 9:02 am, August 18th I have turned in what should be the last draft of my thesis save for a few copy edits. I did all of the revisions my committee asked for. I did almost all of the revisions I was hoping to make (there's always more to do). And I am fully ready to put undergrad life behind me and become a present humanoid living in Germany. The reward: turning my computer OFF for 3 days. No emails, no blogs, no tumblr, and no no no no just checking one more thing on my thesis. Come the 21st, this baby's being printed and I don't want to see it or think of it for a year after I get that last email saying "printing now!".
Do you think it's a possibility? Probably not. But... I can always dream.
Next week: dive into the 121 book challenge, finish Rosetta Stone before we go on vacation, join a gospel choir, two book clubs, and find a horse to trail ride for the next 9 months! I think I'll have enough on my plate without this 98 page document.
Do you think it's a possibility? Probably not. But... I can always dream.
Next week: dive into the 121 book challenge, finish Rosetta Stone before we go on vacation, join a gospel choir, two book clubs, and find a horse to trail ride for the next 9 months! I think I'll have enough on my plate without this 98 page document.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Doctor Who IS for Kids
One of the great things about being an Au Pair is that it really
teaches you how you want to raise your own kids. That being said. One of
the hardest things about being an Au Pair is that it teaches you all
the ways you will never treat/behave with your kids and then forces you
to act in that personally envisioned irrational way for several months.
I believe in raising kids as the tiny adults they are. Yes, they haven't seen as much as you have, and they often can't express how they feel or what they think. But if you've ever had a simply spoken yet utterly profound conversation with a kid, you realize how fresh a prospective they bring to everything and how they are really just very small adults trying to grow up in our crazy world. I prefer to respect this potential in kids by treating them as adults in everything we do. And a big part of that is not allowing them to be babied by me or the media. What does that mean? I HATE CHILDREN'S MUSIC. With a passion. I HATE it. I listen to "regular" music with kids exclusively--as long as it's clean I can't see any reason children shouldn't hear it. We are listening to Mozart per-natal after all. I also hate children's television and books that don't have something else going for them. Dr. Seuss rules, so does Toy Story (movies not any other form of that franchise), and C.S. Lewis, Rowling, the Ant and Bee books, Raul Dahl. There are so many great forms of children's literature, for every age that keeps things simple without dumbing anything down or addressing children as if they are incompetent. I tolerate things like The Barrenstein Bears, Cars, and Curious George. But if a piece of media isn't going to respect my kids, why should I respect it.
I think as a result of these strong opinions I have a tendency to push parents' boundaries regarding the maturity of their children. I want to read the first two Harry Potter books with kids starting at 6. I'll read The Magician's Nephew, the (more) complex Dr. Seuss stories and Shel Silverstein by 3. And I'll watch real actor television, and quality productions with kids at ages their parents deem inappropriate. Like today and watching Doctor Who with my 3.5 and 6 year olds. The first few minutes it was a mistake. The computer was open, DW was up ("The Lodger" a funny and monster-free episode) and Jay wanted to just see a few minutes. When we finished the second half of the episode, all three of us together now, they were very excited. I thought that would be it for the day. But they asked for another episode as a reward for cleaning up the (incredibly messy) living room and I caved because it's Doctor Who and these kids want to watch Rory the Racing Car more than Duck Tales (side note: what's up with that?). I spent several minutes searching for another good episode, and finally settled on "The Eleventh Hour" because it has few monster sightings and lots of physical comedy--after starting and they got scared of the giant eye that is the warden I turned it off, and quickly realized that we should have watched "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship" instead. The boys both still liked it, and would have continued to watch it with me, stop and go to explain who the aliens are, that not everything that looks like a monster is a monster, and that in the end the good guys always win. But Tina took Jay away at the moment we saw our first alien (big mistake to not let something scary resolve itself in my opinion) and Lee and I stopped soon after, when he had laughed and we had clearly moved past the fear he was having with any aliens.
I know that a lot of parents would disagree with me about watching something as mature as Doctor Who with young kids. Yes it's scary sometimes--there are even episodes I won't watch alone ("Hide" had me wishing it was an alien repeatedly). So don't watch every episode. As with all media, know what you're putting into your kid before you let them experience it. Yes the plot lines are extremely complex. But when is a challenging word puzzle something bad? If it's keeping your kids from enjoying it, then stop. But if they still enjoy it and neither of you understand, laugh about how it's impossible to understand. I wouldn't trade those childhood experiences of feeling respected and appreciated by my whole family for anything. Almost all of them happened because someone handed me a book, or rented a movie with me, or let me listen to music with social messages when I was just on the verge of being "old enough" to understand. This media challenged me, and made me think critically. Even when it was my first PG13 movie (Men in Black), which you wouldn't consider very advanced; at 7 years old it forced me to understand vulgarity (in both action and language) as a negative trait, and to enjoy temporary suspended disbelief in the face of nightmare-quality plot lines.
I have a feeling I have a talking to coming tonight. Through which, as an Au Pair I'll have to keep my cool and simply apologize. But my kids (those in the future that I will have or adopt) will watch Doctor Who, read interesting books, listen to real music and the radio, and grow up much faster for it. For now I just have to suck it up and raise someone else's kids the way they want them to be raised. It's more exhausting to do it their way than it is just to be high-energy with the kids all the time.
My suggested Doctor Who episodes to watch with kids (5+):
"The End of the World"
"Boom Town"
"The Idiot's Lantern"
"Love and Monsters"
"The Next Doctor"
"Partners in Crime"
"The Lodger"
"Closing Time"
"The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe"
"Dinosaurs on a Spaceship"
"The Power of Three"
I believe in raising kids as the tiny adults they are. Yes, they haven't seen as much as you have, and they often can't express how they feel or what they think. But if you've ever had a simply spoken yet utterly profound conversation with a kid, you realize how fresh a prospective they bring to everything and how they are really just very small adults trying to grow up in our crazy world. I prefer to respect this potential in kids by treating them as adults in everything we do. And a big part of that is not allowing them to be babied by me or the media. What does that mean? I HATE CHILDREN'S MUSIC. With a passion. I HATE it. I listen to "regular" music with kids exclusively--as long as it's clean I can't see any reason children shouldn't hear it. We are listening to Mozart per-natal after all. I also hate children's television and books that don't have something else going for them. Dr. Seuss rules, so does Toy Story (movies not any other form of that franchise), and C.S. Lewis, Rowling, the Ant and Bee books, Raul Dahl. There are so many great forms of children's literature, for every age that keeps things simple without dumbing anything down or addressing children as if they are incompetent. I tolerate things like The Barrenstein Bears, Cars, and Curious George. But if a piece of media isn't going to respect my kids, why should I respect it.
I think as a result of these strong opinions I have a tendency to push parents' boundaries regarding the maturity of their children. I want to read the first two Harry Potter books with kids starting at 6. I'll read The Magician's Nephew, the (more) complex Dr. Seuss stories and Shel Silverstein by 3. And I'll watch real actor television, and quality productions with kids at ages their parents deem inappropriate. Like today and watching Doctor Who with my 3.5 and 6 year olds. The first few minutes it was a mistake. The computer was open, DW was up ("The Lodger" a funny and monster-free episode) and Jay wanted to just see a few minutes. When we finished the second half of the episode, all three of us together now, they were very excited. I thought that would be it for the day. But they asked for another episode as a reward for cleaning up the (incredibly messy) living room and I caved because it's Doctor Who and these kids want to watch Rory the Racing Car more than Duck Tales (side note: what's up with that?). I spent several minutes searching for another good episode, and finally settled on "The Eleventh Hour" because it has few monster sightings and lots of physical comedy--after starting and they got scared of the giant eye that is the warden I turned it off, and quickly realized that we should have watched "Dinosaurs on a Spaceship" instead. The boys both still liked it, and would have continued to watch it with me, stop and go to explain who the aliens are, that not everything that looks like a monster is a monster, and that in the end the good guys always win. But Tina took Jay away at the moment we saw our first alien (big mistake to not let something scary resolve itself in my opinion) and Lee and I stopped soon after, when he had laughed and we had clearly moved past the fear he was having with any aliens.
I know that a lot of parents would disagree with me about watching something as mature as Doctor Who with young kids. Yes it's scary sometimes--there are even episodes I won't watch alone ("Hide" had me wishing it was an alien repeatedly). So don't watch every episode. As with all media, know what you're putting into your kid before you let them experience it. Yes the plot lines are extremely complex. But when is a challenging word puzzle something bad? If it's keeping your kids from enjoying it, then stop. But if they still enjoy it and neither of you understand, laugh about how it's impossible to understand. I wouldn't trade those childhood experiences of feeling respected and appreciated by my whole family for anything. Almost all of them happened because someone handed me a book, or rented a movie with me, or let me listen to music with social messages when I was just on the verge of being "old enough" to understand. This media challenged me, and made me think critically. Even when it was my first PG13 movie (Men in Black), which you wouldn't consider very advanced; at 7 years old it forced me to understand vulgarity (in both action and language) as a negative trait, and to enjoy temporary suspended disbelief in the face of nightmare-quality plot lines.
I have a feeling I have a talking to coming tonight. Through which, as an Au Pair I'll have to keep my cool and simply apologize. But my kids (those in the future that I will have or adopt) will watch Doctor Who, read interesting books, listen to real music and the radio, and grow up much faster for it. For now I just have to suck it up and raise someone else's kids the way they want them to be raised. It's more exhausting to do it their way than it is just to be high-energy with the kids all the time.
My suggested Doctor Who episodes to watch with kids (5+):
"The End of the World"
"Boom Town"
"The Idiot's Lantern"
"Love and Monsters"
"The Next Doctor"
"Partners in Crime"
"The Lodger"
"Closing Time"
"The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe"
"Dinosaurs on a Spaceship"
"The Power of Three"
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
My Aggressive Three Year Old
This week has thoroughly beaten me. And I mean that literally. I have a scratch down my cheek and bite marks on my arm and a bruise on my hip that makes it hurt to walk and bike. I am exhausted and to be honest I'm a little scared of a very little man. Jay is 3 years old, and Jay is extremely aggressive towards me.
There are always going to be problems with kids. I don't think I've ever had a perfect day as a baby sitter, camp staffer or now as an Au Pair. But generally these issues have been limited to excessive crying or moping, and the occasional defiant behavior such as going out of my sight after being asked to stay close. Often these behaviors are just part of kids processing their emotions or their own exhaustion. And in those cases it is easy (though not always intuitive) to remove yourself, let every one cool off and then talk about the issues calmly and constructively, looking for solutions which you and the kid can both handle. They also are normally only a once or twice a day thing, even with a group of children. And never have they been systemic.
I've dealt with the normal amount of these issues with Jay (3) and Lee (6) while I've been here this first month. I draw the line for normal behavior when Jay calls me a "shitty Ellen," (it's Germany they use that word a lot, it's not good, but it's not as bad as it would be in English). But in addition I've also been dealing with consistent violent behavior in both of them. Like any parent (or Au Pair) I've been making excuses for the behavior to myself and others, but with a lot of pushing and support from my parents I'm addressing the issue not only with the children individually but also with the parents.
As a perfectionist and I think as any kind of child-care provider, it's difficult to admit that you are struggling to do your work. Parents also tend to have blinders on with their kids, they prefer to overlook the issues their kids are carrying around with them or any problem behaviors they are exhibiting. These blinders make a difficult conversation even more of a struggle as parents refuse to recognize that a behavior their child is exhibiting is not appropriate or normal, and even worse when the children are not behaving that way towards them or in front of them. I had a lot of fear going into this conversation that I would be getting an earful of "just do this" and "I always do that and it works fine". I had had a lot of issues up to this point of not been able to have either parent hear what I'm saying and understanding that I'm doing what they do, it's not working, I need to take additional steps. So this time I came in prepared with suggestions for how I will be addressing the aggressive and painful behavior from both boys, but particularly Jay.
My hope was that this conversation would be short. That the behavior is similar to a problem a teacher may have had or even an old baby sitter. What ended up happening was a very productive and yet frustrating and stressful conversation that lasted over 2 hours and bore few helpful suggestions. Obviously something is wrong. I was very happy that Tina and Mike were both so supportive of me, and made it clear that they don't see me as the problem in this situation. For the first time they really heard what I was trying to say, and after repeating what I had been doing and which situations were of real concern for me (not the physicality that happens when a joke goes too far or as a result of usual 3 year old behavior, but that which is vicious and meant to hurt me as an over reaction to a small or non-existent trigger). Unfortunately the only next steps we could agree on were changes to my everyday behavior (a lot of which were directed at some personal habits that are very embedded in my personality--i.e. my thinking face is too stern so try not to be deep in thought in front of the kids, or I leave and enter the room silently through out the day but they want me to narrate these actions more for the boys) and are addressing the symptoms of the tantrums not the cause of them.
I hope that these small changes to daily behavior can alleviate some of the pressures that are triggering Jay to act out so violently towards me, but I don't think they are really solving the issue--as yet unknown.
The most difficult part of this conversation with Tina and Mike was the footnote. If things don't change, if I can't care for the kids without putting myself in harms way, then we need to rethink my position in the family. It's a simple truth that not all people are a match. Some personalities just clash and there's nothing to be done about it. If that's the base issue causing this aggression then the solution is to remove myself from the equation.
I'm not ecstatic to be here. But I don't want to go home either. Starting over with a new family or finding a different job would be exhausting after starting to settle in here. But at the end of the day part of this job and part of being a parent is putting the kids first.
Music:
"Home" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
"A Home" by the Dixie Chicks
There are always going to be problems with kids. I don't think I've ever had a perfect day as a baby sitter, camp staffer or now as an Au Pair. But generally these issues have been limited to excessive crying or moping, and the occasional defiant behavior such as going out of my sight after being asked to stay close. Often these behaviors are just part of kids processing their emotions or their own exhaustion. And in those cases it is easy (though not always intuitive) to remove yourself, let every one cool off and then talk about the issues calmly and constructively, looking for solutions which you and the kid can both handle. They also are normally only a once or twice a day thing, even with a group of children. And never have they been systemic.
I've dealt with the normal amount of these issues with Jay (3) and Lee (6) while I've been here this first month. I draw the line for normal behavior when Jay calls me a "shitty Ellen," (it's Germany they use that word a lot, it's not good, but it's not as bad as it would be in English). But in addition I've also been dealing with consistent violent behavior in both of them. Like any parent (or Au Pair) I've been making excuses for the behavior to myself and others, but with a lot of pushing and support from my parents I'm addressing the issue not only with the children individually but also with the parents.
As a perfectionist and I think as any kind of child-care provider, it's difficult to admit that you are struggling to do your work. Parents also tend to have blinders on with their kids, they prefer to overlook the issues their kids are carrying around with them or any problem behaviors they are exhibiting. These blinders make a difficult conversation even more of a struggle as parents refuse to recognize that a behavior their child is exhibiting is not appropriate or normal, and even worse when the children are not behaving that way towards them or in front of them. I had a lot of fear going into this conversation that I would be getting an earful of "just do this" and "I always do that and it works fine". I had had a lot of issues up to this point of not been able to have either parent hear what I'm saying and understanding that I'm doing what they do, it's not working, I need to take additional steps. So this time I came in prepared with suggestions for how I will be addressing the aggressive and painful behavior from both boys, but particularly Jay.
My hope was that this conversation would be short. That the behavior is similar to a problem a teacher may have had or even an old baby sitter. What ended up happening was a very productive and yet frustrating and stressful conversation that lasted over 2 hours and bore few helpful suggestions. Obviously something is wrong. I was very happy that Tina and Mike were both so supportive of me, and made it clear that they don't see me as the problem in this situation. For the first time they really heard what I was trying to say, and after repeating what I had been doing and which situations were of real concern for me (not the physicality that happens when a joke goes too far or as a result of usual 3 year old behavior, but that which is vicious and meant to hurt me as an over reaction to a small or non-existent trigger). Unfortunately the only next steps we could agree on were changes to my everyday behavior (a lot of which were directed at some personal habits that are very embedded in my personality--i.e. my thinking face is too stern so try not to be deep in thought in front of the kids, or I leave and enter the room silently through out the day but they want me to narrate these actions more for the boys) and are addressing the symptoms of the tantrums not the cause of them.
I hope that these small changes to daily behavior can alleviate some of the pressures that are triggering Jay to act out so violently towards me, but I don't think they are really solving the issue--as yet unknown.
The most difficult part of this conversation with Tina and Mike was the footnote. If things don't change, if I can't care for the kids without putting myself in harms way, then we need to rethink my position in the family. It's a simple truth that not all people are a match. Some personalities just clash and there's nothing to be done about it. If that's the base issue causing this aggression then the solution is to remove myself from the equation.
I'm not ecstatic to be here. But I don't want to go home either. Starting over with a new family or finding a different job would be exhausting after starting to settle in here. But at the end of the day part of this job and part of being a parent is putting the kids first.
Music:
"Home" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
"A Home" by the Dixie Chicks
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