Lulla-babies

In Germany I'll be an Au Pair to two young kids and I've been trying to plan for that, being thoughtful about what sort of material I need to bring with me for their entertainment and our relationships. So in procrastination of actually working on my thesis I've been looking into lullabies (okay not actually in procrastination, just this weekend while I have a draft being edited and I can't really do work anyways). I always hated the idea of children's music. It's engaging sure, but it's surface engagement. They like the songs about bouncing up and down and that damn frog who went a courtin'. But those songs don't challenge them, don't give them the opportunity to appreciate something real. So in choosing lullabies I want to learn I went looking for songs that are actual songs and just make beautiful songs for the middle of the night when your five-year-old has a nightmare. And after a LONG search, I've found my pick: "I'm Gonna Be" covered by Sleep At Last (thanks Greys Anatomy).

I love this song in real life, and have had so many great moments to the original, and I'm so excited to share it with these kids. It makes a beautiful lullaby and I think it will be a little more comforting and less melancholy a Capella.

In case you're wondering, I also came up with a list before finding this track of potential real songs turned lullaby.

1. "Never Neverland" from the Mary Martin Peter Pan (one of my fave movies as a kid)
2. "Distant Melody" also from Peter Pan and just beautiful
3. "Que Sera Sera" made famous by Dorris Day (something my Granny always sang to me)
4. "Where or When" the Harry Connick Jr. version
5. "You Belong To Me" the Jason Wade version
6. And "Lullaby" which I know from On The Rocks but is a little sad for a five year old.

I'm so excited for my thesis to be done so that I can get this (these) tune(s) down.

41 days until I leave people!

Talking with my Father

Prepare thyself for the angst of a confused twenty-something blogger who is leaving her best friend:

There was a point in my life when my dad really was my best friend. We lived together, just the two of us. And we spent so much time together in a way that should have made us hate each other, but we didn't. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it was awful. The slowly diminishing voice of my mother that's still stuck in the back of my head says that I called her "all the time in tears because of something terrible he'd done." But that wasn't all the time, it was only when his stress and my stress collided and caused me to feel overwhelmed and in need of escape. I couldn't live with him anymore. But sometimes it's nice to feel like someone you are connected to by blood is your best friend.

Some days we're all tired and worn out and feeling dejected. And so we try to talk ourselves out of it. Or make more tea to suppress it. But really all we need is our best friend to call on the phone. Just to check in. And then to talk to us for 45 minutes because they actually care that much about you and you actually care that much about them. And sometimes those talks make you cry silently, if only because the support you are receiving in such a necessary and unexpected way is making you feel complete for the first time in weeks. This is my dad for me.

Sometimes my mom.

Almost always my dad. He makes me make sense to other people. Heck, he makes me make sense to myself.

I remember one time, during freshman year when all of my friends were new, and they hadn't heard the whole story but they got the jist of the experiences in my life that had shaped me into the person I am. We were driving back down to school after Thanksgiving. I was in the front with my dad driving and everyone had fallen silent and there was some Beatles CD on loud enough to cover up the sound of the road but soft enough that I thought everyone in the back might be asleep. And my dad and I were both humming along to the first track, and then singing along to ourselves with the second, and then harmonizing by the third. It wasn't until the last track on the album that I got a text from the back seat exclaiming our adorableness. That was the first time they really got it. That moment was as important to our friendships as any other, and I can't really explain why without just showing you. Without just me and my dad coexisting in your presence.

So it's particularly scary, in all the mess of things I'm trying to deal with in order to graduate and leave and still go to grad school soon, to realize that I'm going to loose this. I'm going to loose the support and the contact that kick-starts me when I'm drowning. I won't be able to call every time I'm glum. I won't be able to tell him the stories of what I did this weekend, or talk endlessly about work and school and friends. And because I'm loosing those little things, it also means that I'm loosing the bigger things. Visits, trips, vacations, weekends home. He won't be there to introduce to the new friends when they finally realize how weird I am. He makes me make sense. So without him, there seems to be this very big chance that I won't make sense to people. Because until you've heard the whole story and seen that I'm not exaggerating, my brokenness is difficult to understand.

#skype is going to save my mind when I live abroad.

Music:

Diana Ross and Lionel Richie, "Endless Love"
The Beatles, "Fixing a Hole"
Foster the People, "Pumped Up Kicks"

Update!

Contracts: signed and being mailed today
Tickets: purchased, printed and (not so) safely in my mother's hands
Grad School: admitted, tuition deposit paid, waiting to hear about deferral and scholarships

And with 71 days until graduation, 75 days until Canada, and 83 days until Germany, life is nothing but a pile of thesis.

Back to that overly large paper I suppose.

Music:

Mumford & Sons, "Where Are You Now"
Carrie Fletcher, "When I'm Gone (the cup song)"
Carrie Fletcher and Alex Day, "This Kiss"

Side Trips

Okay, I've purchased my tickets, my contracts are being sent on Monday, and my top grad school application is complete! Which means of course that it's time to ignore my school commitments and write a blog post about potential side trips for my stay in Germany.

I've been working out the calculations and there are two factors really determining how much travel I'll get to do while I'm working: the time I get off (2 days/month worked) and funds (roughly $4,117 is going towards England/Ireland travel after I'm done working which leaves only $2,133 for spending money during the first 12 months). And at this point I've lost most of you because I actually have a budget that's got a running calculation of budgeted funds, funds spent, budget remaining and I've also graphed it. Have I mentioned that my dad is a math teacher? It's my hope that I can manage at least 10 side trips for the 12 months I'll be working. 10 awesome weekend side trips that if I coordinate it with my host family will be 2-5 days long.

At this point let me say that I am a crazy control freak who is hyper-organized and planful. If I hadn't been doing research off and on for the last few months I'd be going insane right now. Luckily for my side of the internet I did do my research. I poured over train tables and flight schedules, read and watched more Rick Steve's than I care to admit, went through photo albums to see what I've already done and just don't vividly remember, and every time I've found an interesting picture of a place on tumblr I've added it to a google map. I warned you, I'm a crazy control freak. From all of this information I think I've successfully narrowed down the potential trips to the list below. They come in no particular order, for the most part. And I'd really like your feedback. Whether you know me personally and have a vested interest, or you just really loved one of the cities I mention, please let me know in the comments. You can also check out the google map to see what things specifically I'm planning on seeing in each city and leave a comment if there are great things that I'm missing out on!

• Barcelona, Spain--I'd really like to go to Barcelona during one of the big festivals, but other than that it is my replacement for going to Rome (though I suppose I may go to Rome again). Priorities: (street) art, cathedrals, alcohol... maybe not in that order.
• Brugge, Belgium--My dad went to Brugge without me on my last trip to Europe and it was all he could talk about once we got back. Keep in mind that we went to Paris on this trip, and when we got home he was still saying how sad he was that I hadn't seen all the awesome things in Brugge! I'm not sure what that list entails yet, but I know it comes strongly recommended from the Vatti.
• Stockholm, Sweden--the thing I'm most excited about in Stockholm is the library. And while it's a pretty amazing looking library I'm guessing that this is a 4 day trip with a day for travel each way. It's also an early trip, maybe in August or October because it's just too cold for a Pacific Northwester to handle in the dead of winter.
• Budapest, Hungary--I've never been able to get to Eastern Europe, so cities Buda and Pest here I come (more than a little blindly). I'm hoping that I can contract one of my new friends from Germany into traveling to this one with me as the language barrier, cultural cuisine and my dietary restrictions conflict, a lot.
• Dubrovnik, Croatia--I have friends in Germany who vacation here often and their photos are always amazing! It's right on the coast, easy to get to and a low-stress vacation. I'm hoping I can tag along some time, cutting down on my expenses and getting to see a whole new, gorgeous country that not a lot of Americans get the chance to see. I estimate it to be a 3 day trip.
• Balchik, Bulgaria--I honestly don't remember what's up in Bulgaria, but it's another country and two more stamps in that passport (which brings up the issue: what happens if I fill up my passport before it's time to come back to the states?).
• Kleven' Lake, Ukraine--Looking at pictures this is one of the best nature preserves to visit in the world. I think I actually chose this location based on a Nova show where they were saying that this is the place that is amazing because no one goes there. But it's amazing so you should go, just not too many of you. It's really out of the way and hard to get to (like figure out if I can rent a car in the Ukraine kind of hard to get to), so please let me know if you've heard of it or you think it's worth the trip.
• Berlin, Germany--One of my favorite professors will be working at the Institute for the History of Science in Berlin, and he's officially offered to take me around the institute. Also he has an adorable child so I will exchange baby sitting for site seeing.
• Fez, Morocco--If you have been following the tumblr or reading these posts for awhile then you know that I'm super pumped about Fez. It's a place so different to everything I've ever been exposed to that I feel like I can't not go. If there was ever a color scheme or sense of place that I wanted to instill in my own home it would have to be some mixture of Georgian architecture with Moroccan flares.
• Paris, France--I've been here. It was nice. It was also the last week of my 7 week stay in Europe. My cat died the day before we got there. It was summer and hot and very touristy. And we ultimately just wanted to go home and so we spent time each day laying in our hotel room watching the French duped Le Simpsons*.
• Shetland Islands, U.K.--because ponies. And then because their new advertising campaign is ponies in sweaters.
• Copenhagen, Denmark--I hear Copenhagen is pretty awesome, but I can't remember why. Would someone please tell me why I have a vague recollection of being told that Copenhagen is awesome?
• Jerusalem, Israel--I've spent this last term studying the conflict in Northern Ireland as taught by a Israeli expat. I've toyed and more than toyed with the idea of exploring Judaism. And if you have any religion at all I feel that at some point in your life, you should see Jerusalem. If you want to work in any kind of international politics, you should see Jerusalem. If you want to have an opinion when you read the NYT, you should see Jerusalem. I'd like to see Jerusalem.

At least 4 of these are not going to happen, or at least not while I'm working. Some of them take more time than others. Some of them come with more recommendations too. 



*fun story about Le Simpsons, the episode where Bart gets sent to France and is forced to work as a child laborer and then suddenly starts speaking French. They duped the French in French and put in French subtitles.

New Feature: Music while writing this post!

You Belong To Me, Jason Wade 
I and Love and You, Avett Brothers
Vienna, Billy Joel
Home, Bell from "Beauty and the Beast"

One Hundered and Elvensies

Today is day 111 until graduation. I'm looking at plane tickets, scheduling flights, planning out Canada, and then getting back to all the work I have to do in the next 111 days.

Let the countdown commence.

Things coming soon:
Shopping
International Credit Cards
Picking an Au Pair family you can stick with
The Contract process
Visas and travel
12 trips in 12 months
Packing for 12 months in 1 bag

For now:

The Anticipation of Nostalgia

I made the mistake of using my break today to watch the final episode of Gilmore Girls. 45 minutes of crying later... I'm finally realizing how hard leaving and graduating and actually growing up is going to be. I'm 95% sure that I've found my Au Pair family, and with my #1 choice of grad school application complete I'm hoping for a 14 month timeline. That is, if I get into my top choice I'll be with this family for 12 months and traveling for 2 months after that before moving to New York. It's exhilarating and happy and absolutely terrifying. The fear comes in waves, like psychological nausea: I'm going to move across the world, live with people who I've never met, travel to places I haven't even seen pictures of, I'm not going to see my parents in person for 14 months, I won't know anyone where I'm going, I don't really speak the language, I'm going to miss Christmas and birthdays and 2 Fourth of July's.

I haven't been able to make my brain wrap around the idea of applying for graduation yet. Staving off senioritis and all. But I have to plan for Germany and Canada and the next year now, it's unavoidable and incredibly painful.

I know that it will be better and more difficult than I can possibly imagine. Logic tells me that the memories will be divine. But my innate humanness--the part of me that always yearns for home and wants things to stay the same because change is scary--she's mourning saying goodbye to the people I love for so long. And so I sit here and watch Rory Gilmore graduate, get a job and leave and I can't help but cry in anticipation of the things I will one day leave behind.

It's quite a large cliff to jump off of. You know?

Breaking An Agreement

I've had a contract with a family to be their Au Pair over this next summer, fall and winter, and we've reached a point where it's time to break it. I'm a very planful person, I feel uncomfortable not knowing that I have a plan for the next three years, let alone this next summer, but I've reached a critical mass of conflicting expectations with this family of mine. I've found many other families which I am better suited to and I'm happy to be exploring the opportunity of joining a new family again but this time I'm coming in with a list of expectations.

1. Be located in or around Munich (so that I can fall back on close family friends when needed)
2. Have easy access to a large city/a place with books written in English
3. Don't need to share a bathroom with the family
4. The family doesn't smoke
5. No more than 2 children
6. No children younger than 4 (or 3 currently)

A lot of this list has to do with knowing what I'll be happiest living in and what my skill sets are. But it's also about recognizing when you really aren't a good fit with someone and stop forcing it to work. I've lived with people who I love but just am not compatible with. I've tried a couple of relationships with people I like but just don't value, or love but just can't be happy with. It's really difficult to recognize the basic things you need from any relationship. And when you're talking about opportunities and the things you are really excited for it's easy to jump into a contract, or a title, or bed a little too quickly. I was surprised to find how much more I needed from the family I will end up with, but it's made me realize how much I short change myself on a regular basis because I'm just too excited to stop and think.

And to my good friend out there, who I love, and who's pretty heart broken right now: we like what we know and what's comfortable. We love without reason or caring. And while the song was right, and breaking up is hard to do, staying in a relationship when you can't make the other person happy is the third worst kind of relationship to be in. I'm not going to push you in any way, to make any kind of decision or take any kind of action. You need to get over this in the way you choose, but as soon as you know what you need, just ask and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure you don't even know about this but I needed to put it out there someway.

Songs for the Road

Today I got some camp songs stuck in my head, and I realized that I've been wanting to learn the "Road goes on and on" that they sing in The Fellowship of the Ring. So I went in search of it, and found many versions along the way. Apparently "The Road Goes Ever On and On" is a poem that Tolkien wrote, but didn't include in LOTR. It's been turned into a very sad, dramatic song for LOTR the musical, but I still like it the way Bilbo sings it in the movie, joyfully and like a real walking song. @elisezoot, we have a song to arrange and learn so we never get bored along or around or under the rocky road to Dublin.

Skip to the last 30 seconds of this to hear Bilbo sing it!

Words taken from The Hobbit, and different parts of LOTR

 

Roads go ever ever on,

Over rock and under tree,

By caves where never sun has shone,

By streams that never find the sea;

Over snow by winter sown,

And through the merry flowers of June,

Over grass and over stone,

And under mountains in the moon.

Roads go ever ever on

Under cloud and under star,

Yet feet that wandering have gone

Turn at last to home afar.

Eyes that fire and sword have seen

And horror in the halls of stone

Look at last on meadows green

And trees and hills they long have known.

 

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

 

The Road goes ever on and on

Out from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

Let others follow it who can!

Let them a journey new begin,

But I at last with weary feet

Will turn towards the lighted inn,

My evening-rest and sleep to meet.

 

 

The Packing List

I've been kind of ridiculous lately with my trip planning. But as today is the 8 month marker until graduation, I gave myself a little break from studying and really delved into planning. What did I do you ask? I made a packing list. Yes, I know it's early. But I am nothing if not prepared. This list I've made has more items than I really want to attempt to stuff into Don Quixote (my backpacking backpack), which is what I'll be using while traveling. But on the other hand I have to live for 9 months, beginning in the summer, and ending in March, in a town that will be hovering around 0 degrees Celsius for three of the eight months I will be there. My hope is to send things home with my parents when they visit in September and after Christmas, and to ship the things I've accumulated back home in the days before I leave my host family and venture out with only a visa and rail pass to direct me.

Being a woman, it seems like I've put far too much thought into my clothing in terms of fashion. While 2 (maybe 3) bottoms and 3 tops, and one dress seems excessive in terms of weight, I'm actually a little worried about only having 7 outfit options for three months.

If you care to judge my list, suggest items I've forgotten, or listed that are unnecessary then please leave me a note in the comments! (items with a "*" before hand are only coming to Germany, not all around Europe)

Clothes:

long skirt
running tights
cow neck sweater
blue blouse
2 under shirts
layerable dress (black polka dot) 
warm/waterproof jacket
extra warmth layer
3 pairs underthings
4 pairs socks
hiking boots
paddock boots/walking shoes/dress shoes
hat
gloves
scarf

Additional Clothes:

*pencil skirt
*chacos
*cardigan (grey, adaptive)
*light rain coat
*extra socks
*extra underthings
*sleeping clothes
sundress
*burgundy pants
jeans
*running shorts
*3 tshirts/extra shirts

Personal Items:

camera
computer
iPod
passport
visa
wallet (credit cards, spending money, driver's license, etc.)
phone (European and American)
chargers for electronic items
adapter for chargers
bathroom items (toothbrush, -toothpaste, -sunscreen, mascara, coverup, -soap, hair ties, head bands, hair brush, -wash cloth)
day pack

Survival Items:

2 water bottles (-1 water bottle, 1 travel mug)
-sleeping bag
compass
map
-emergency blanket
-snack foods (energy bars, dried fruit, chocolate)
-flashlight

Additional Items:

*-reading materials
postcards with contact information (for giving out)
-mace


*=coming to Germany but not Ireland
-=buying it in Europe as needed
"Additional" clothes and items may not make it onto the final packing list

The Sillyness!

Shortly after writing that last post I realized how silly I was to be looking a wool coats and sweaters and scarfs and socks when I'm going to IRELAND. Perhaps this should pacify me in my shopping fervor. Perhaps not.