2 months in and calling it quits

I'm not a quiter. I hate the feeling and it usually leads to a healthy bout of self loathing. So I'm the person who doesn't even consider leaving a position. Until now. My host mom came to me last Tuesday, two days after finishing my thesis, and said she just wasn't happy and she didn't know what to do. After an hour and a half of crying, serious conversation I was left confused, newly stressed and a little disappointed. For me I was just starting to relax into being with this family full time, keeping them in mind all of the time, and really starting to live a German life style. For them it had been two months of me spending evenings and days off in my room working on something to do with America, and they don't know what to do with that. There were a lot of emotions expressed by Tina that night, emotions I wasn't registering, and it made me consider whether I wanted to be there or not. And so ultimately I decided, I don't want to. And so I'm leaving.

It's a scary thing, jumping off a cliff, having no safety net. Making decisions that take away all plans you had, including things like where you're going to live. And I'm doing this by choice. This is the closest I've ever been to homeless, and even then I can always fly home or hop on a train.

Now for any family or friends out there, I'm not coming home. Not right away at least. My beautiful Oregon will have to wait, at least until Oktoberfest is over. And then, it's nearly anyone's guess. What's magical is that every avenue is open to me, but then again, what's terrifying is that every avenue is open to me.

But we've got a few weeks of security left. One week when the family is on vacation (I'm no longer going with them clearly) and I'll get to spend days being a tourist around Munich. So let me show you where I've been, and when I know, let me tell you where I'm going.

Good night, and good luck. (literally said this on accident to Mike while he was trying to fix the cable box last night)

Ellbow

Breaking An Agreement

I've had a contract with a family to be their Au Pair over this next summer, fall and winter, and we've reached a point where it's time to break it. I'm a very planful person, I feel uncomfortable not knowing that I have a plan for the next three years, let alone this next summer, but I've reached a critical mass of conflicting expectations with this family of mine. I've found many other families which I am better suited to and I'm happy to be exploring the opportunity of joining a new family again but this time I'm coming in with a list of expectations.

1. Be located in or around Munich (so that I can fall back on close family friends when needed)
2. Have easy access to a large city/a place with books written in English
3. Don't need to share a bathroom with the family
4. The family doesn't smoke
5. No more than 2 children
6. No children younger than 4 (or 3 currently)

A lot of this list has to do with knowing what I'll be happiest living in and what my skill sets are. But it's also about recognizing when you really aren't a good fit with someone and stop forcing it to work. I've lived with people who I love but just am not compatible with. I've tried a couple of relationships with people I like but just don't value, or love but just can't be happy with. It's really difficult to recognize the basic things you need from any relationship. And when you're talking about opportunities and the things you are really excited for it's easy to jump into a contract, or a title, or bed a little too quickly. I was surprised to find how much more I needed from the family I will end up with, but it's made me realize how much I short change myself on a regular basis because I'm just too excited to stop and think.

And to my good friend out there, who I love, and who's pretty heart broken right now: we like what we know and what's comfortable. We love without reason or caring. And while the song was right, and breaking up is hard to do, staying in a relationship when you can't make the other person happy is the third worst kind of relationship to be in. I'm not going to push you in any way, to make any kind of decision or take any kind of action. You need to get over this in the way you choose, but as soon as you know what you need, just ask and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure you don't even know about this but I needed to put it out there someway.

This Scheisse Is Getting Real

While I still haven't made up my mind about what family I'm going to adopt on my way to backpacking around Ireland, I'm definitely tripping down the road. I've been offered a position with a pretty fantastic German family, and I'm just waiting it out now until I'm sure I can't find an Irish family I mesh with as well. And while that's pretty cool and all, it's also making all of my decisions real. The decision to postpone grad school for a year, the decision to graduate with a double major, the decision to write a thesis, the decision to follow every college cliche and escape to Europe post expensive higher education escapades. It can easily become overwhelming when I think of all the decisions I make by signing a simple au pair contract.

Ireland or Germany, it's nine months living in Europe. Hopefully dreams and planning can help me make up my mind.

Gute Nacht!
Ellbow