It's been 1 month since you looked at me, tipped your head to the side and said I'm angry.

Yesterday or today, depending on how you count, is the one month mark in this whole crazy experience-living-in-Germany-why-don't-you thing. And for all the goods and all the bads I'm feeling very lost, a little home sick, and certainly questioning the quality of my decision. Half the time I wake up wishing I could just be at home in Portland reading the 120 books I already have which are squished together under my bed side table, and half the mornings I get out of bed excited to go adventuring with the boys.

One month into this experiment I have to say that the jury's still out on the quality of my decision making:

• The kids are starting to like me, but they don't love me yet.
• I don't love them (yet) either. I'm not protective of them. I compare them mentally to my cousins of the same age, and they always come up short in comparison.
• The three year old is much more open to my presence, and when no parents are home we all get along flawlessly (biting and swearing aside).
• I cannot get the six year old to be interested in Harry Potter so now I'm reading it on my own, in German and feeling very accomplished.
• The diet, though European and in many ways excellent, does not agree with my pre-Germany (Gluten free) dietary expectations. Why do you have to eat three pieces of bread at every single meal?
• I'm exhausted all of the time. Maybe it's the heat or the job or a side effect of the diet, but I'm exhausted.
• The language comes easier now. If only I could get my host family to stop speaking English with me at night.
• I now speak British English. I fail to comprehend how I transitioned from one English language to the other, but there it is.
• I've met people, but made no "friends" yet. And I'm turning into a desperate beast, needing attention and love and having no resources to get that which don't involve an internet connection (i.e. skype, whatsapp, and email with my family--get your mind out of the gutter).
• I met a cute boy, but am having issues connecting with said boy through social media/cellular devices... boo.
• I'm joining a book club(s) which should solidify my identity as the oldest 22 year old of all time.
• The weather is truly beautiful and the general culture completely agrees with my constitution.
• Winter is coming, and I'm pumped for some sweater weather and snow.
• For better or worse, I'm now 10% of the way through my stay with this family. And if I choose, in 9 months I can go straight home.

It will certainly always be safer to choose the known world before the unknown. I could have moved to New York or stayed in Portland, worked in an office or as a nanny, had my gap year, but stayed in a land where people at least speak the same language. And maybe, just maybe I would be happier there. But I have to believe that you can't make a wrong decision (though you can make bad ones) because each decision leads you on a different path. I have to believe that taking this chance, no matter what I feel today, will be one of the better ones in my life and that in 10 years I will look back, proud to have jumped into the unknown.

Music:

"Home" from The Beauty and the Beast soundtrack
"Summer Love" by JT
"Where or When" cover by Harry Connick, Jr.

Breaking An Agreement

I've had a contract with a family to be their Au Pair over this next summer, fall and winter, and we've reached a point where it's time to break it. I'm a very planful person, I feel uncomfortable not knowing that I have a plan for the next three years, let alone this next summer, but I've reached a critical mass of conflicting expectations with this family of mine. I've found many other families which I am better suited to and I'm happy to be exploring the opportunity of joining a new family again but this time I'm coming in with a list of expectations.

1. Be located in or around Munich (so that I can fall back on close family friends when needed)
2. Have easy access to a large city/a place with books written in English
3. Don't need to share a bathroom with the family
4. The family doesn't smoke
5. No more than 2 children
6. No children younger than 4 (or 3 currently)

A lot of this list has to do with knowing what I'll be happiest living in and what my skill sets are. But it's also about recognizing when you really aren't a good fit with someone and stop forcing it to work. I've lived with people who I love but just am not compatible with. I've tried a couple of relationships with people I like but just don't value, or love but just can't be happy with. It's really difficult to recognize the basic things you need from any relationship. And when you're talking about opportunities and the things you are really excited for it's easy to jump into a contract, or a title, or bed a little too quickly. I was surprised to find how much more I needed from the family I will end up with, but it's made me realize how much I short change myself on a regular basis because I'm just too excited to stop and think.

And to my good friend out there, who I love, and who's pretty heart broken right now: we like what we know and what's comfortable. We love without reason or caring. And while the song was right, and breaking up is hard to do, staying in a relationship when you can't make the other person happy is the third worst kind of relationship to be in. I'm not going to push you in any way, to make any kind of decision or take any kind of action. You need to get over this in the way you choose, but as soon as you know what you need, just ask and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure you don't even know about this but I needed to put it out there someway.

Any Recommendation?

Hello World,

It seems that I am moving to Europe. I'm one lawyer and four signatures away from signing a contract with a family and moving to the Old World for 9 months after graduation! And while this is exactly the opportunity I was looking for, the possibilities are blowing my mind. I thought it would take me a decade to get to Europe again, and even then it would be on vacation, but now I get to live there and work and travel and make European friends that I'll keep for a life time!

I've started looking at the cost of travel, but I need to know where to go and when! I'm thinking Fez for a week at some point, but other than that I'm at a loss. Any favorite sites, restaurants, concert venues, walks/hikes or weekend spots in Europe and northern Africa I need to see? PLEASE, leave me a comment so I can check them out!

The gate to Fez

This Scheisse Is Getting Real

While I still haven't made up my mind about what family I'm going to adopt on my way to backpacking around Ireland, I'm definitely tripping down the road. I've been offered a position with a pretty fantastic German family, and I'm just waiting it out now until I'm sure I can't find an Irish family I mesh with as well. And while that's pretty cool and all, it's also making all of my decisions real. The decision to postpone grad school for a year, the decision to graduate with a double major, the decision to write a thesis, the decision to follow every college cliche and escape to Europe post expensive higher education escapades. It can easily become overwhelming when I think of all the decisions I make by signing a simple au pair contract.

Ireland or Germany, it's nine months living in Europe. Hopefully dreams and planning can help me make up my mind.

Gute Nacht!
Ellbow