2 weeks

The 2 week countdown has more than begun. It is fully upon us. The fact that it's bringing on severe senioritis and I have a paper due at midnight and some thesis editing to do this weekend is probably not good. But it's here none the less. And amazingly, it gets closer every day.

I got really excited yesterday when I looked up my soon-to-be home town on tumblr. Beautiful pictures below!

Talking with my Father

Prepare thyself for the angst of a confused twenty-something blogger who is leaving her best friend:

There was a point in my life when my dad really was my best friend. We lived together, just the two of us. And we spent so much time together in a way that should have made us hate each other, but we didn't. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it was awful. The slowly diminishing voice of my mother that's still stuck in the back of my head says that I called her "all the time in tears because of something terrible he'd done." But that wasn't all the time, it was only when his stress and my stress collided and caused me to feel overwhelmed and in need of escape. I couldn't live with him anymore. But sometimes it's nice to feel like someone you are connected to by blood is your best friend.

Some days we're all tired and worn out and feeling dejected. And so we try to talk ourselves out of it. Or make more tea to suppress it. But really all we need is our best friend to call on the phone. Just to check in. And then to talk to us for 45 minutes because they actually care that much about you and you actually care that much about them. And sometimes those talks make you cry silently, if only because the support you are receiving in such a necessary and unexpected way is making you feel complete for the first time in weeks. This is my dad for me.

Sometimes my mom.

Almost always my dad. He makes me make sense to other people. Heck, he makes me make sense to myself.

I remember one time, during freshman year when all of my friends were new, and they hadn't heard the whole story but they got the jist of the experiences in my life that had shaped me into the person I am. We were driving back down to school after Thanksgiving. I was in the front with my dad driving and everyone had fallen silent and there was some Beatles CD on loud enough to cover up the sound of the road but soft enough that I thought everyone in the back might be asleep. And my dad and I were both humming along to the first track, and then singing along to ourselves with the second, and then harmonizing by the third. It wasn't until the last track on the album that I got a text from the back seat exclaiming our adorableness. That was the first time they really got it. That moment was as important to our friendships as any other, and I can't really explain why without just showing you. Without just me and my dad coexisting in your presence.

So it's particularly scary, in all the mess of things I'm trying to deal with in order to graduate and leave and still go to grad school soon, to realize that I'm going to loose this. I'm going to loose the support and the contact that kick-starts me when I'm drowning. I won't be able to call every time I'm glum. I won't be able to tell him the stories of what I did this weekend, or talk endlessly about work and school and friends. And because I'm loosing those little things, it also means that I'm loosing the bigger things. Visits, trips, vacations, weekends home. He won't be there to introduce to the new friends when they finally realize how weird I am. He makes me make sense. So without him, there seems to be this very big chance that I won't make sense to people. Because until you've heard the whole story and seen that I'm not exaggerating, my brokenness is difficult to understand.

#skype is going to save my mind when I live abroad.

Music:

Diana Ross and Lionel Richie, "Endless Love"
The Beatles, "Fixing a Hole"
Foster the People, "Pumped Up Kicks"

Breaking An Agreement

I've had a contract with a family to be their Au Pair over this next summer, fall and winter, and we've reached a point where it's time to break it. I'm a very planful person, I feel uncomfortable not knowing that I have a plan for the next three years, let alone this next summer, but I've reached a critical mass of conflicting expectations with this family of mine. I've found many other families which I am better suited to and I'm happy to be exploring the opportunity of joining a new family again but this time I'm coming in with a list of expectations.

1. Be located in or around Munich (so that I can fall back on close family friends when needed)
2. Have easy access to a large city/a place with books written in English
3. Don't need to share a bathroom with the family
4. The family doesn't smoke
5. No more than 2 children
6. No children younger than 4 (or 3 currently)

A lot of this list has to do with knowing what I'll be happiest living in and what my skill sets are. But it's also about recognizing when you really aren't a good fit with someone and stop forcing it to work. I've lived with people who I love but just am not compatible with. I've tried a couple of relationships with people I like but just don't value, or love but just can't be happy with. It's really difficult to recognize the basic things you need from any relationship. And when you're talking about opportunities and the things you are really excited for it's easy to jump into a contract, or a title, or bed a little too quickly. I was surprised to find how much more I needed from the family I will end up with, but it's made me realize how much I short change myself on a regular basis because I'm just too excited to stop and think.

And to my good friend out there, who I love, and who's pretty heart broken right now: we like what we know and what's comfortable. We love without reason or caring. And while the song was right, and breaking up is hard to do, staying in a relationship when you can't make the other person happy is the third worst kind of relationship to be in. I'm not going to push you in any way, to make any kind of decision or take any kind of action. You need to get over this in the way you choose, but as soon as you know what you need, just ask and I'll be there in a heartbeat.

I'm pretty sure you don't even know about this but I needed to put it out there someway.