This week has thoroughly beaten me. And I mean that literally. I have a scratch down my cheek and bite marks on my arm and a bruise on my hip that makes it hurt to walk and bike. I am exhausted and to be honest I'm a little scared of a very little man. Jay is 3 years old, and Jay is extremely aggressive towards me.
There are always going to be problems with kids. I don't think I've ever had a perfect day as a baby sitter, camp staffer or now as an Au Pair. But generally these issues have been limited to excessive crying or moping, and the occasional defiant behavior such as going out of my sight after being asked to stay close. Often these behaviors are just part of kids processing their emotions or their own exhaustion. And in those cases it is easy (though not always intuitive) to remove yourself, let every one cool off and then talk about the issues calmly and constructively, looking for solutions which you and the kid can both handle. They also are normally only a once or twice a day thing, even with a group of children. And never have they been systemic.
I've dealt with the normal amount of these issues with Jay (3) and Lee (6) while I've been here this first month. I draw the line for normal behavior when Jay calls me a "shitty Ellen," (it's Germany they use that word a lot, it's not good, but it's not as bad as it would be in English). But in addition I've also been dealing with consistent violent behavior in both of them. Like any parent (or Au Pair) I've been making excuses for the behavior to myself and others, but with a lot of pushing and support from my parents I'm addressing the issue not only with the children individually but also with the parents.
As a perfectionist and I think as any kind of child-care provider, it's difficult to admit that you are struggling to do your work. Parents also tend to have blinders on with their kids, they prefer to overlook the issues their kids are carrying around with them or any problem behaviors they are exhibiting. These blinders make a difficult conversation even more of a struggle as parents refuse to recognize that a behavior their child is exhibiting is not appropriate or normal, and even worse when the children are not behaving that way towards them or in front of them. I had a lot of fear going into this conversation that I would be getting an earful of "just do this" and "I always do that and it works fine". I had had a lot of issues up to this point of not been able to have either parent hear what I'm saying and understanding that I'm doing what they do, it's not working, I need to take additional steps. So this time I came in prepared with suggestions for how I will be addressing the aggressive and painful behavior from both boys, but particularly Jay.
My hope was that this conversation would be short. That the behavior is similar to a problem a teacher may have had or even an old baby sitter. What ended up happening was a very productive and yet frustrating and stressful conversation that lasted over 2 hours and bore few helpful suggestions. Obviously something is wrong. I was very happy that Tina and Mike were both so supportive of me, and made it clear that they don't see me as the problem in this situation. For the first time they really heard what I was trying to say, and after repeating what I had been doing and which situations were of real concern for me (not the physicality that happens when a joke goes too far or as a result of usual 3 year old behavior, but that which is vicious and meant to hurt me as an over reaction to a small or non-existent trigger). Unfortunately the only next steps we could agree on were changes to my everyday behavior (a lot of which were directed at some personal habits that are very embedded in my personality--i.e. my thinking face is too stern so try not to be deep in thought in front of the kids, or I leave and enter the room silently through out the day but they want me to narrate these actions more for the boys) and are addressing the symptoms of the tantrums not the cause of them.
I hope that these small changes to daily behavior can alleviate some of the pressures that are triggering Jay to act out so violently towards me, but I don't think they are really solving the issue--as yet unknown.
The most difficult part of this conversation with Tina and Mike was the footnote. If things don't change, if I can't care for the kids without putting myself in harms way, then we need to rethink my position in the family. It's a simple truth that not all people are a match. Some personalities just clash and there's nothing to be done about it. If that's the base issue causing this aggression then the solution is to remove myself from the equation.
I'm not ecstatic to be here. But I don't want to go home either. Starting over with a new family or finding a different job would be exhausting after starting to settle in here. But at the end of the day part of this job and part of being a parent is putting the kids first.
Music:
"Home" by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
"A Home" by the Dixie Chicks
No comments:
Post a Comment