Saying Goodbye

I've never known a kid who's good at saying goodbye when it's for more than a few days. Spending an evening with some cousins and their kids last April I said goodbye to my little first cousin once removed and explained that it would be a long while, a year and a half, before we would see each other again. After just one evening of playing together she chased the cab to the end of the block waving goodbye. She wanted to see me tomorrow.

But maybe that's just practice for us as adults, learning to say goodbye on a regular basis to the people we love, without tears or overwhelming sadness.

I left the boys today. In all likelihood, after a few postcards from travel and an email or two clearing up logistics, I will not ever communicate with them again. Of all the things that suck about this situation: I didn't complete my obligation which drives me crazy, Tina is telling people who were my friends that I left because I didn't like the kids, I was happy and comfortable for two days, I was never given the chance to settle in--the worst thing of all is that I grew to love two boys who are not two kids I'm immediately attracted to, but I worked hard on our relationship and now I will probably never see them again.

I will not be sharing this blog with Tina and Mike or the boys, not directly. But one can always google, so maybe one day they'll find it. If they do, I hope they understand that I didn't walk out that door easily or painlessly. I hope that they understand I made the decision for them as much as for myself. And I hope they see that the reasons they give to everyone else, and likely to themselves, for my leaving are false. I hope. But I don't believe.

Belgium tomorrow.

Ellbow